Lidl Trio - and the Droitwich Duo!

Lidl Trio, originally uploaded by Coffee Lover.

We arrive in a dark and bleak Droitwich – it’s one of those estates where they have chopped down trees and named cul-de-sacs after them. Other streets are named after writers and poets. We are visiting a cliché!

Theory One: Yes, it is cold. Daddy mentions it within minutes. Daddy does feel the cold and that is why we have an electric bill with added noughts that makes you wonder if he is using more energy than a fat boy chasing the ice-cream van.

When Richard later asks to turn the heating up, one of them says the other will do it. I recognise the tactic having used it myself – there’s a number of responses I have in my stock of delay mechanisms from ‘I’m not sure where it is’, ‘I’m not how it works’ etc., to be followed by ‘ask Richard’ which then means someone has to repeat a request, feels like a nuisance and usually shuts ups. But this is Richard and he is very single minded. He has become a heat seeking missile – well a heat seeking missy but let’s not quibble.

Theory Two: Despite my protestations that they should not do lunch (in the hope we could adjourn to the warmth of a pub) they have made sandwiches. There is a choice: beef or ham. That’s bread with beef or ham in it. No mayonnaise, no mustard, no horseradish or red onion, no lettuce, no salt – if it was any plainer it would be a member of Richard’s family (they’re not lookers and probably go along way to explain “you are what you eat”). However, alongside are some cherry tomatoes, sticks of cucumber and a bowl of lettuce – no dressing.

I’m taken back to the sixties and my Nan’s rubbish Sunday teas that consisted of plated salads. There’s even a watery coleslaw. I worry she may be haunting their fridge but they don’t mention jelly for ‘afterwards’ so we may be okay. Pudding actually turns out to be cakes that Gavin bought at Lidl – I know someone who shops in Lidl: I’m mortified! Amanda also seems put out by the cake and accepts one but agrees she won’t be eating a second chocolate covered Battenberg.

Theory Three: Yes there is clutter in every room and every work surface. I’m not sure who to call first – Gillian McKeith and Gordon Ramsay… or Ann Maurice and Kim and Aggy.

We turn the conversation to holidays – Rich and I as you may know are hopeless at holidays and never go anywhere. Amanda is off to Italy with friends soon. I can see why she would prefer that to her latest holiday with Gavin… he has dragged her to a B&B in Mablethorpe which advertises itself as a great place for families and senior citizens – so much so that everyone zips past on a motorised chair and every third shop sells them! Gavin dragged her there to meet a matchbox label collector. Let the good times roll!! Well we won’t be phoning Judith Chalmers. "Wish you were here" - no, not really!

Theory Four: Daddy has slept through most of the afternoon. I have sat stock still and yet am feeling bone tired. On the way home, when not sleeping, I eat my way through a packet of Starburst remembering when they were called Opal Fruits - next I'll be reminiscing about the the good old days and reaching for the Werther's Originals... old age is catching. Perhaps I'll get Daddy a motorised chair for Christmas. Well, one that we can plug in anyway.