Crime of Fashion

Fashion victim on the street, originally uploaded by il_Medo.

We sit at home and await the inevitable phone call when Daddy Short-term Memory finds he has left something at home and wants to return early (not on your Nellie! BTW: Where is one’s Nellie?)

Gavin reminds us that he will bring Daddy back next Saturday and stay overnight – have we rid the spare room of any cat hair? The cheek! Although I do admit we are not the fussiest about issues such as cat hair. However, Richard has given the spare room three lots of flea spray and the cat has had a number of goes with one or two types of potions on the back of her neck and in her food. Not sure he hasn’t put some sort of potion in mine as I still feel ill. He might arrive home to find me in a heap on the floor.

The team from CSI Cardiff will photograph my body next to the name “Richard” which I will have written in the dust pointedly! Someone will have to draw a chalk outline around me – they may as well pack sandwiches and a flask of tea as it’s a long walk around my body. They should hire the bloke who marks the pitch at the Millennium Stadium.

In some parts of the country death is such a constant that the forensics have replaced the chalk outline with a permanent painted line – places like Midsomer, Denton and St Mary Mead. In Cardiff we tell how long a body has lain dead by the depth of chips strewn around it. I wish they would dust for fingerprints – Richard won’t dust for love or money! Well, perhaps money.

Meanwhile the team from Missing will help Daddy search for whatever he has forgotten this time? Turns out he hasn’t packed his Pyjama bottoms – poor Amanda may have to have her eyes surgically cleansed with Jeyes Fluid and a brillo pad after he flashes his Christmas baubles and grisly grey tinsel in a midnight dash to the lavatory. Brings a whole new meaning to the term “Fashion Victim”.