Not quite the cocktail set

drinkers (4), originally uploaded by Kelteek.

Lately, I spotted these two anorak clad lovelies, skulking around the church, drinking cans of beer and plastic flagons of cider. In half an hour they get through everything they have bought in their carrier bags and then ride off on their bicycles slightly wobbling.

I quite understand as I have had some friends who loved drinking. Easily getting through a bottle of gin every night, our cellar looked like Baby Jane’s. In pubs, we put a double gin in each pint of cider (it’s called ‘sin’ and tastes okay but gives you a rough hangover). Others were complete wusses. One ex’s mother, having hidden for a couple of hours between two single beds during a lightning storm, emerged looking fearful and I suggested a stiff drink. ‘Of water?’ she asked… ‘Yes Mary, a stiff drink of water!’ (Roll eyes to Heaven)

Likewise, Richard’s family are not big drinkers. His brother once asked for a Cherry B in a Cardiff pub – the barmaid looked at him in disgust and said they hadn’t served it since 1973. He thought Baileys was a tad strong and put a lovely mixer of water in it – looked like a small jism on the rocks to me.

Gramps on the other hand once decided to make a shandy and added to his beer what he thought was lemonade but turned out to be decanted cointreau (no my family do not normally use empty lemonade bottles as decanters). It tuned cloudy and tasted rotten but it was alcohol so he drank it. Nice one! My Nan used to put cointreau in my tea/coffee when I first went to live with her to help me cope with anxiety at meeting people.

However they didn’t drink that often so beers bought for some celebration would be proffered each Christmas and some, well past the glug-by-date, smelt like alcoholic jam when opened. No, he didn’t drink this – we wouldn’t let him.

I feel like a large drink after spending the entire day making up Ikea bookcases (we now have a veritable library at home so shhhh!). Richard had a brief moment of panic when he got a splinter and then wasted half an hour looking for tweezers - he’s not tough. He’d rather have been at the tennis club where he claims there is a pint of cider with his name on waiting for him. The government threaten new health warnings on alcohol and one punter emailed the BBC to ask ‘What next: warnings on the glasses?’ I said the warning on Richard’s pint would say ‘Rob knows you’re drinking. He knows what you’re thinking!’ That would mess with his mind after a couple of pints of Strongbow.

What’s your favourite health warning:

• Drinking can get you pished!
• Alcohol could make a dog seem attractive!
• Drinking and driving could damage your car!
• Add yours…