"What happens in your kitchen?"

I fell out of bed this morning, literally fell out on to the floor. Not a great start. The kitchen fitter is AWOL. He is from Magnet - you know the advert -"What goes on in your kitchen..."
In our house: endless hours of pointless washing-up and bad tempered muttering. Perhaps Magnet should suggest electrified taps and a muzzle. When he is in the kitchen he plays at being deaf (although if you switch a kettle on he is out of the traps and down the hallway before you can say Depends).

We ring for a daily progress report on the old dwarf - he seems better but we're informed that in the kitchen they found a mug containing a 'mysterious yellow liquid'. It's not a miracle and better safe than sorry, they have decided to throw the mug away as, even if washed, you couldn't enjoy your tea and garibaldi thinking Daddy Shortlegs may have used it when caught short trying to remember where the lavatory is situated. Yes, we've all caught Shorty hoarding empty milk bottles in his room for nefarious purposes when he was upstairs which is why we have moved him to the ground floor so he can make it to the bogatory unaided. Surprised Magnet didn’t suggest something easy to mop and a urinal next to the fridge!

Health warning: don’t go near the apple juice. Nuff said.