Bingo Heaven!

The kitchen fitter turned up even though it is a Saturday and a Bank Holiday weekend – there’s dedication for you. I stayed upstairs for two reasons – one was his casual racism and other views that I find difficult. If I react he stops work and explains what is wrong with the world. I want my kitchen finished so it’s simpler to avoid him.

The second reason was so that he wouldn’t see me burst into tears every so often as I thought about my Nan who died on Thursday – she was 84. She raised me when my mum died (I was five years old). Last week she was kicking it up at a Daniel O’Donnell concert in Cardiff and then she went on a coach journey to Epsom to see her great grand-daughter. She slipped, fell and died shortly afterwards. It is a bit of a shock as she was a constant in my life.

I tried to think about her being in heaven - her type of heaven that is. She'd be with my mum and Gramps. She'd be playing Bingo and supping a 'Snowball', playing slot machines and wearing the high heels she loved wearing even into her sixties and seventies. She'd be eating all the things her diabetes stopped her having lately... she liked a slice of bread to take the edge of her butter if you know what I mean. She wouldn't be knitting - that was her way of escaping the world down here. She sat clicking away - knit one purl one, mark it of the piece of paper with its neat tally marks for every five rows. She knitted and Gramps raged. He dealt with my mum’s death by getting angry - she dealt with his anger and her loss by retreating into anything that took her mind off the real issues: counting stitches or following six books at bingo. They never understood each other's way of coping but they were together for 66 years until he died last year. They weren't apart for long.

I spent most of the afternoon writing a letter to my dad. We haven’t spoken since I was eighteen – that was 1981. He has the rights to my mum’s grave and I’d like my Nan to be buried with her if possible. I hope he’ll let me buy it from him but for a long time he has been bitter and has an even more bitter wife. I hope he says yes as we can then tidy up the grave he has neglected. He says my sister is to be buried there – news to me as she is only just 40! It may be news to her.

My partner Richard and I often plan each other’s funeral. He chooses music for mine. I pencil in dates for his...