Never run (or wobble) with scissors!

Not So Grim After All - Banksy, originally uploaded by daddyw.

Richard is struggling to surf on the sofa and keep the cat off his lap as she is a walking fleabag at the moment. She seems most resentful at becoming Kitty-non-gratis. Richard’s attempts at pest control end because the cat suddenly darts off as, wobbling like a drunken Weeble, Daddy Shortlegs makes his way to my desk like the Julie Walters waitress from Victoria Wood’s “Two Soups” sketch. I carry on typing and wait for the wobbling to subside and for him to catch his breath.

He is clutching a Christmas card – a nasty cheap Christmas card and so probably from his family – friends often spend more on people they like as opposed to cheap obligatory greetings from distant cousins.

'Can you make this out?' He is pointing to the postcode scrawled on the inside cover where a hopeful sender has put their address which pathetically begs you to send them a card - quid pro quo. We look at where the moving finger points and notice the said digit is still covered in a Band-Aid from when he cut himself yesterday while attempting to trim his claw-like nails.

Why do old people get such long talons that it makes them appear feral? I am now thinking of Queenie being told not to have ideas in case her foot drops off in Blackadder II. “My uncle had a clever idea to cut his toenails with a scythe, and his foot dropped off”, she reasons.

Could he bleed into the bathroom sink – of course not – he chose to make a palaver in the kitchen sink while Richard is stressing out catering for the Tennis club quiz night. That paints a rosy picture of the suburban hell which I live through, does it not!! Although the leftovers from Delia Smith’s curried pasta salad and Nigella Lawson’s ham-in-coke have much the same effect as Seroxat or Valium – they don’t cure the problem but they make you relax and feel life is good.

Richard squints at the scrawl on the card and tell him the postcode.

‘Yes, but is it two distinct sets?’ asks Daddy.
‘What?’
‘The numbers – is there a space.’
‘Yes, always. EX1 for Exeter (the card is from Devon – who the hell do we know from Devon?) and then the other three.'
‘That’s what I want to know. Are they separate?’
‘Yes, they always are in three and three or in three and four.'
‘Okay. That’s what I want to know.’
'It’ll get there even if you don’t add a postcode.'
'But are they separate?'

This saga moment could run and run, and so I tune out and return my gaze to Sherlock Holmes but Daddy Shortsight has noticed my movement towards the TV and as if to question my indifference to his plight asks “Is that MacGyver?”

I have never been so insulted – how very dare you?! MacGyver! He knows how to wound even without nail scissors.