I wouldn't be seen dead here!

Flu jabs, originally uploaded by hugovk.

Daddy Arsewipe needs a flu jab – it’s not the sort of injection I would like to give him but we don’t live in any of the Southern States of the USA that still go in for that – though bunging a fiver and a bottle of scotch to the local veterinarian practice may achieve the same goal. Perhaps I could even claim it back on pet insurance. I did wonder if he had blue tongue disease the other week but it transpired he’d been sucking on a biro while doing the Telegraph crossword. Where’s Christophy Timother when you need him to cull your rellies. (Or even a nice lone-handed GP with a need for cash!)

He hasn’t done the crossword in ages – he can’t really see very well now which frustrates him and makes our electric bill soar – I can’t tell you how many lamps he now has in his room but if you poke your head round his door you might get a tan! Stuff Blackpool - It’s like Vegas (but without the unwelcome addition of CSI standing over his body!). Richard took him to BUPA for someone to have a look at his eyesight (the outcome is that they can both see more than they can have!).

Perhaps BUPA could do some private work for me, after all Richard says that it was a lovely building - which counts - my aunt always says that if she becomes incapacitated she’d like to go the Geneva where they practice Euthanasia and just end it all but then she heard that someone who had been didn’t reckon the apartments were much cop. Who do you complain to: the tour rep? “I wouldn’t be seen dead here!”

If I am going to end it all I don’t want it to look like a shitty Butlins’ chalet! When I go I wanna go out in style – Sardanapulus styles mayhap – start slaughtering the elephants Richard! (I know you’d never get this from a quick trip to the crematorium followed by ham rolls and beer at the British Legion in Milford – but we can all dream!)