Fags are dangerous!
I go to lots of meetings (lots!) and thankfully I have a twisted sense of humour that keeps me from trying to choke myself on an agenda or batter my head repeatedly on the desk... well in those meetings for which I choose to stay awake!
A madly-departed colleague once sharpened a pencil and stuck it in her thigh through her jeans during a lesson on the Sage Accounting program as she couldn't see the double-entendre possibilities inherent in double entry systems. I have been known not to go to the toilet prior to a meeting so the pressing urge to not wet myself makes me look keen and fidgety rather than falling asleep in relieved bliss.
I particularly liked this week when, in a conference room next to an indoor bowling green, we heard the local AM trip on the phrase homophobic bowling instead of homophobic bullying – a new sport is launched, will it make the Olympics. With footballers outgaying us with their metrosexuality perhaps traditionalists have a refuge in Crown Green bowling amid the pleated skirts and acrylic jumpers.
By the way, when I say conference room, I actually mean a breeze block cupboard at the back end of a sports centre in Bridgend that took two Sherpas and a sat nav to find from the main reception desk. That walk was a work out in itself!
My stepmother (who was a stereotype from a fairytale – mad, bad and dangerously dull to know!) loved to watch bowls on TV, along with One Man and his pigging Dog (well sheeping dog actually, but you get the drift!). When I came out as gay at 17, she explained it to my dad so caringly “It’s a disease Ron, he needs help!” My dad ever more dull and practical suggested that I “...fuck off to London where they all live!”
According to some in our Welsh Institutions this may be true still – I was recently asked to speak at a conference in the leafy heart of rural Powys. The topic, Long Term Conditions and Self Management, was pretty dull for us (remember we have seen courses called the 'Arse Class'!)
The organiser assured me that she had telephoned ahead to the Christian Conference Centre and Trailer Park (I kid you not missus - only in Powys eh!) to let them know I would be speaking and warn them about me… not sure what she warned them about – gay, sex, AIDS? The whole kit and caboodle. They were lovely and explained to her that with HIV in the world as it is, it was good to know someone was doing something (Aw bless!). But it’s gratifying to know I make a mark and now come with a government health warning “THIS FAG IS DANGEROUS”
On the day itself, there were numerous presentations and obesity was one of the topics often associated with other long term health conditions. There it was, writ large on the PowerPoint screen for cancer, and diabetes and well everything really - but with me in the front row everyone hastily skipped through their bullet points and managed to avoid saying it out loud …
...imagine dear reader, I have become “The Elephant in the Room”.
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