G.I. Jonny

Elephant Parade Rotterdam, originally uploaded by Photolivier.

Later this week we will be taking part in a Terrence Higgins Trust and BBC partnership event called G.I. Jonny at Cardiff University Students’ Union.

Alex, my former student is joining Paul, our current* administrator and fundraiser, and myself to dispense dogtags, condoms and common sense to inebriated youth – sounds like a riot. One problem: what to wear? It’s hard to camouflage yourself when you are the size of an elephant although the old joke would belie that…

Why do elephants paint their toenails red?... So they can hide in cherry trees

Google kindly tells me that the Boy Scouts webpage has a whole range of elephant jokes but dare I look and have the url captured by the authorities. A gay man, a scout’s webpage: it’s a ticking time bomb for the tabloids, ain’t it!! Anyway, back to the main story… camouflage.

“Cargo pants?” suggest Alex helpfully. Yeah love, if you want my arse to look like a super tanker!

Paul supportively suggests I wear “desert storm colours and go as the Gobi Desert”.

I fancy medals and epaulettes but so do all megalomaniacs who don’t deserve them. (The origin of the word comes from “Megal, megal megal” as Mutley would have said to Dick Dastardly)**

“Khaki?” said Alex – nope I just look like Anglesey if I wear green - or if I move, “Birnam wood come to Dunsinane”. (I had to look up that quote so for me it's time to brush up your Shakespeare!)

I finally give up and have a moment’s wallow in self pity about fat people and lack of nice clothes. I don’t want to look like Don Estelle in “It ain’t half hot, mum”. Then on the train of thought that takes me towards the Ryvita and skimmed milk, I have a brainwave.

The hunchbacked celebrity Dr Gillian McKeith, dressed as a fairy godmother and holding the shitty end of her wand, pops up and says “you shall go to the ball… as G.I. Diet!!”

*(Note from Addison DeWitt here: Paul, when I say “current” I mean as opposed to the admin worker colleague mentioned in my last post – it’s not a threat Paul, I don’t mean current as in there is a future one in the wings understudying your typing role like a conniving Eve Harrington! (for plot device see All About Eve 1950)- no don’t look it up, I mean go see it!!!

**Not!