Nip Tuck Wax Sting

Hilda Ogden - The Early Years, originally uploaded by Belljw18670.

Following on from the lip smacking ginger-bollocks below, I hear from Alex who has had mishaps with her DIY plastic surgery. Having taken herself to France she finds herself stuck indoors during the rain and like most women of a certain age with few belongings in their hotel room she plays “make up” which always beats reading your Gideon Bible (or whatever the French version is). Quentin Crisp told us that make up was addictive, as is the art of applying it – one tweak with the tweezers can lead to startling consequences. Alex’s Facebook entry announces that she is nursing a near hair lip after going crazy trying to remove her moustache with Nair!

My cousin once had a problem with Immac – she was at Milford Haven Youth Club disco (woo!!) and dancing with her best friend. Doing that unenthusiastic seventies bop you see on TOTP2, they bitched about a hairy girl in her class. They shouted above the music…

“She’s a mess – what a state”

“Who does she think she is, Chris Evett – she looks like a man”

“More like Jason King - she should use Immac”

“What do you say?”

Milford was never big on technology, and in an age well-before advanced mixing techniques, the DJ coped with one turntable and so the music suddenly dipped as Julie screamed “IMMAC!”

She has never quite lived down that moment.

Alex meanwhile has updated her entry “Can you imagine how pissed off I was when a low-life wasp decided to drop half its arse into my cupids bow a day later! Spent the first four days of our French trip looking like I had a minute female sensory organ dangling from my upper lip! Combined with half my skin missing and the occasional spot of blood oozing over my frites, I think I looked spectacular.”

All of this in a week when I had to answer an email enquiry about Anal Fissures. I discovered that they use Botox on your butt to make the muscles relax and prevent further chapping! There’s something Nadine “Boggart” Baggot doesn’t mention when she’s flogging her pentapedtides. Call yerself a celebrity beauty editor – we all know she’s sharing a cheap rented flat above the Pound Shop with Beryl and Merle, the girls from the British Skincare Foundation.

Well, I’m off to the bathroom for a date with my moustache and “Just for Men”. What’s your nightmare tale of beauty gone wrong – email me on fathobbit@ntlworld.com